Expanding Mind - 01/20/11

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Transformative sex culture, serious play, and the wonders of Peep Show Mini-Golf: a talk with Polly Superstar, co-creator of Kinky Salon, Mission Control, and Openly.us.

Comments

[a listener]

I’m disappointed that this conversation regarding poly amorous relationships never addressed the issue of alienation. Maybe in a rarified niche of sex party goers love is abundant, but in my experience love is scarce.

The people I know can barely manage to return phone calls, let alone have multiple amorous relationships! In fact, I think a lot of people I know wouldn’t even be that loving or generous or affectionate towards their sexual partner, except they feel obligated to act this way due to social pressure. That’s part of our social programming – you have to act responsibly towards your sexual partner. It’s ok if you ignore your friends and family. There’s a selfish element to sexual gratification, so I think it may be easier to find a relationship forged out of sex, but much more difficult to find a relationship for some other reason. I was talking about this to a friend and she said, “See, sex forces you to be a better person!”

This conversation with Polly Superstar seemed to overlook how fundamentally selfish and lazy people can be. Think about how much effort relationships take – you have to listen to another person and remember them and try to make them feel good – so much energy!

So of course people feel possessive and clingy about their partners. Who knows how long it could take to find someone else who cares.

Also, the assumption we’re making is that relationships are important. Not everybody sees the value in relationships – especially with younger generations that are constantly tuned into i-phones, laptops, etc. Technology often isolates us, exacerbates narcissistic tendencies, and brings us closer to ourselves rather than other people. Where do people learn the value of relationships? I would say it’s directly or indirectly learned from religion and as that has become less and less a part of life, then I guess values are learned from pop culture – which is why I think the most sexually popular people are usually those who mimic mainstream media’s representation of sexuality.

I believe the reason our culture is so fixated with sexual/romantic relationships is because people feel alienated. If you don’t have a sexual partner, will anyone else care about you? Maybe if you’re lucky. I don’t know about other countries, but in America our communities are fragmented. There’s a freedom that comes from individualism, but the drawback is alienation. If people felt loved and accepted in a more communal way, then I don’t think there would be such an obsession with finding love exclusively in a monogamous sexual partner.