The Expat Files - 01/02/12

- An update on how a few astute Expats, 1st World has-beens , and Latin locals are giving very successful business and self-help seminars down in LA. Though most seminars are dated and quite useless, they're still very popular with the LA business crowd due to the gullibility of Latin attendees who'll buy just about anything if it’s perceived to be fashionable in the USA (or presented by some self-proclamed 1st World business guru).

 

-The lowdown on the “lag time” it takes for all 1st World trends and innovations to filter down to LA and why that predictable phenomena is such good news for Expats and wanabees with an eye to start a business. 

-Due to a severe lack of disposable income, middle and lower class Latins rarely throw anything away. Instead, they find new uses for their broken down old stuff, and it sure piles up!

 

-There’s a dearth of wild animals in (and near) LA cities over 50k population. Mostly because there’s a sad tradition of young middle and lower class boys and teenagers killing everything that moves with their Huck Finn precision slingshots. It’s a sad rite of passage handed a down from father to son and one big reason why toucans, parrots, monkeys, snakes and sloths etc., are very hard to find in the cities and burbs (except in the outback).

 

-Restaurant stories; Examples of how even high-end very successful LA restaurants are lacking in basic details and customer service. Less than mediocre competition and obvious low standards are yet another solid reason why Expats in the restaurant and hospitality business do so well in LA (despite the well known poor odds for those enterprises in general)

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The Expat Files - 12/30/11

-Answers to some politically incorrect emails 

 -The real politically incorrect dirt on illegal immigrants in the USA, and why they continue to commit irritating cultural gaffs once they slip into the states 

-The tragic hidden social problems that infect a huge percentage of not only the poor lower classes, but middle class Latin families too; namely endemic physical abuse, alcoholism, infidelity and incest 

-Why it’s better for a man to shop at the local Latin produce market than a woman, and why a woman always gets more for her money when she brings a man along

-1^st World trans-nationals and landed franchises DO NOT practice equal opportunity hiring or standard workplace policies in Latin America. Because this is the 3^rd World and they don’t have to and can absolutely get away with it!

-Get em’ while they’re hot; Jesus, Mary and Joseph and mixed Nativity scene shopping bags! They’re all the rage down here during the holiday season. Even the gun shops down here hand happy customers their brand new Xmas Glocks and shotguns in religious-themed shopping bags (not to mention shopping bags from all the "Victoria's Secret" clones). Talk about mixed signals- ya gotta love it

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The Expat Files - 12/26/11

-A word about “Gringo prices” and “local prices” and how to get around what can often be a huge markup for 1st Worlder’s as opposed to what the locals pay (especially at tourist sites, national parks and in tourist towns). Even so, tourists rarely complain since Gringo prices seem cheap by 1st World standards.

-Some cutting observations regarding how Latins stereotype European tourists and other non-US 1st World travelers 

- The Latin American love-hate relationship with Spain and with pure-blooded Spanish tourists they might encounter (most of whom put on airs, have exaggerated self-importance, and look down their noses at their 3rd World tan-skinned kissin’ cousins); even though Spain has 25% unemployment and right behind Greece and in line to be dumped by the EEU

-The telltale signs of steady progress. Or, how to know when your own kitchen Spanish shifts from being embarrassingly bad, to merely occasionally lousy, to you actually being able to somehow converse with mumbling children and drunks?

-Why you should take extraneous compliments or praise from Latin guys with a grain of salt. However, compliments made by Latin women are different. They’re much more reserved then Latin men and more likely to be sincere when dishing out the flattery ( so guys- take note when that happens)

-How Latin American government tourist boards pump millions into 1st World ad campaigns, half the money gets stolen, and the other half that goes into real paid ads has practically has no effect on tourism at all

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The Expat Files - 12/23/11

-How to orient your own mind geographically when discussing various Latin countries. Remembering where they respectively on the isthmus or the South American continent can be quite confusing. Well, now there’s a neat way to get them straight!  

 

-A bit about those three oddball non-Latin countries smack dab in the middle of South America; Suriname, Guyana, and French Guiana

 

-More on business franchises down in LA (or should we say general scarcity of franchises) 

 

- What about US born Latins who come down as Expats? Does the legendary “Gringo Advantage” work for them too? Well, not quite…… 

 

-Fallen heroes; the unspoken re-socialization problems of illegals who get caught in the USA and deported back to their home Latin countries. What happens to them after having had a taste of North American living and those 1st World (relatively speaking) paychecks?   

 

-When Latin men cry;

Yup, they can sure turn on the crocodile tears. And when all else fails, that’s what happens when a Latin guy gets caught in the act of cheating on his girlfriend/wife. And she often falls for it- does she have a choice? And yes folks, as you’ve probably already figured out, if a 1st World guy is anywhere in the vicinity, the “Gringo Advantage” strikes again!     

 

-A very unusual, but definitive sign, that signals a Latin girl in love.

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The Expat Files - 12/19/11

-Exploring that strange dichotomy; namely, why Latin American small towns are very safe even when situated in countries not recommended by the US state department. (the famous US State department “feces” list).

-The “regular” police-vs- the “tourist” police

-Another expensive 1st World donation gone wrong; more of how 1st World charities and governments donate valuable stuff that ends up in the 3rd World crapper.

-The real dirt on opening your very own 1st World franchise business down in LA, and what about the local Latin franchise competition?  Successful 3rd world companies often do sell franchises in LA, and even though they’re usually decidedly less than mediocre by our standards, they somehow get away with it and often make a ton of money (down here in LA of course) But when they try to penetrate the 1st World franchise market they almost never succeed except under very special circumstances.

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The Expat Files - 12/16/11

-Hints on what gifts to get Latin friends or Latin family members for Christmas (or anytime) . 

 

-If you’re an interior decorator, forget about having a decent career in LA. Bad taste is the rule; and often the more money a Latin has, the more Elvis-like his or her taste becomes (er.., sound familiar again?)              

 

-“It’s much better to give than receive” or is it? Well it is, especially in regards to those occasionally hideous religious-themed gifts you’re bound to get from your Latin friends and acquaintances. So, what do you do when you get one?

 

-Of toilets and toilet seats; the delicate subject of the restroom

 

-The bottom line costs of setting up a small business in various countries in Latin America

 

-Some words regarding the least and most expensive countries to live, work, play and/or retire (or set up a business) in Latin America

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The Expat Files - 12/12/11

- Christmas in LA compared to the USA: Latins are 10x as nuts about it and are 10x as broke by the New Year (comparatively speaking)

 

-The sad innumeracy of Latins in regards to credit, loans and credit cards (sound familiar?)  

 

-Some very good party advice; its unwise to admit you are an agnostic or an atheist (god forbid), and never in mixed company. If you do so you’re bound to get the leper treatment from your (soon to be former) Latin friends no matter how so-called educated and liberal they think they are. So when at a party, and are asked your religion, make big brownie points and lie if say “Catholic” (then nod and wink at your Expat friends- they’ll get it). But never say ex-Catholic, or dagger eyes will fly (to most Latins, that’s like kicking the pope in the cojones).      

 

-Loan sharking in LA; it’s legal, huge business, and the Latin public has absolutely no idea how they are getting screwed since they rarely read or even understand the loan terms (sound familiar?)   

 

- How a LA loan shark hoodwinked Expat Eddie’s girlfriend, and of course she didn’t see it coming (none of them do)

 

-How Expat Eddie tried to single handedly change the rules of the new car selling racket in LA

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The Expat Files - 12/09/11

-Answers to even more burning email questions;

 

-Advice and tips for African Americans and other 1st World Black Expat wanabees with an eye to relocating in Latin America       

 

-How the “Gringo Advantage” works its magic in business, as well as the love and romance department, for African Americans and how it can be a double-edged sword too. And DYK that there’s a sort of “Jamaican Advantage” in certain parts of Latin America too (say what?)

 

-Some thoughts about having or needing an outside 1st World income like a pension or SS check

 

-How much money do you really need to stay and thoroughly check a place out? And how long will your 5, 10, or 20 grand stake last once you get down here?

 

-What businesses are good bets in LA and how to decide?

 

-If you’re use to working for “the man” you can certainly do it in Latin America too- but its NOT recommended. Having your own small business is the way to go!

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The Expat Files - 12/05/11

-Answers to some burning email questions;

 

-Why it’s NOT a good time to buy Latin American real estate, not just yet anyhow; even though (when outside of the tourist haunts) properties may seem an unbelievable deal to 1st Worlder’s like you and me. Just wait! 

 

-Some advice on buying investment property(ies) in LA as a 2nd flag escape plan (when the excrement hits the fan up in the 1st World, and don’t worry it will!)    

 

-What’s the best way for expat wannabes to educate themselves about an LA country/city they might wish move to? (besides listening to the Expat Files and Richard Martin’s ‘Wake Up Call’) 

 

-Some very good news about Latin American property taxes; and some bad news about how governments raid them (sound familiar) 

 

- What if you must fire a bad employee in Latin America? It’s simply not like sacking a guy in the 1st World

 

-Tips on the best ways for Expat wanabees to really get a handle on real estate, neighborhoods, lifestyle and the cost of living in the Latin American country/city you have your sights on; without leaving home!

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The Expat Files - 11/28/11

- More on the ridiculously low cost of living in Latin America, for example; the $1.50 barber shop haircut (yes its true!).

 

-A trip to a middle class Latin beauty parlor. You can get a $5 haircut, a $10 dye job, a $15 perm, and maybe even find love and romance (if you play your cards right)… it’s a page right out of Expat Eddie’s sure fire guide to Latin romance.

 

-When 60 is 40 (not 50) and 50 is 30 (not 40). Why Latins always think Gringos and Gringas are ten to twenty years younger than we actually are. And locals aren’t saying it to be kind; it’s just the fact that Latins are the worst age guessers on earth (which is another little thing in our favor).

 

-Thick headed bodyguards as status symbols for the wealthy. The childish rivalries among bodyguards (what else have they got to do?)

 

-Another “this could never happen in the 1^st World” south of the boarder story; my own in-your-face encounter with two children and two pompous bodyguards

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The Expat Files - 11/25/11

 

-By popular demand, more in depth stories and tips for Expats looking for love in LA. What you really should know about dating, mating, love and romance down here. It’s a whole different ballgame with different rules, and since you’re a 1st World guy or gal the scales are always tipped in your favor, but there are some caveats… 

-When beautiful ‘off the radar’ beach paradises get contaminated by the Gringo dollar, a true Costa Rican story

-The truth about September/Spring romances. They’re as common as dirt in LA; both with the local Latin couples and certain older 1st world foreigners who hook up with young Latins. In fact there’s no Spanish term for “robbing the cradle”, and no one even bats an eye even with a 25 year age spread! (unlike in the USA, where you’d not only garner evil looks, you’d be labeled a lecherous pervert 

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The Expat Files - 11/21/11

- MY kinds of Latin American tourist destinations. They’re not on your travel agent’s top 10 list (nor on their lists at all), but they should definitely be on yours. And how do you spot them? Well for starters, there are scant few gringos to be seen and often not a single US franchise like McDonalds, Subway or Pizza Hut in sight (hmm… can you say golden opportunity?) 

-A few words about that special $15 leather belt with the hidden zipper compartment that every traveler should have (but no one buys, until they get robbed!) 

-Notes on the new supersized tourist phenomena and how the ever expanding American waistline has affected the souvenir business

-The Expat lush; when drinking becomes a hobby and certain Expats develop a case-a-day beer habit. It’s the destiny of those who arrive in LA with laid-back retirement dreams, no desire to work and NO real hobbies. When suddenly faced with so much time on their hands, and with the beer and wine so cheap, drinking actually becomes their main hobby -Latin American beer and wine, a quick primer

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The Expat Files - 11/16/11

-More proof that the cost of living in Latin America is half or less of what you’d spend for the same lifestyle in Jersey City  

-Expat Eddie’s amazing moving company experience; or how to save 75% or more on moving expenses when moving or transporting household goods in Latin America

-An Expat wannabe’s top ten excuses for not taking the Latin American plunge (just yet)

-Why 1^st World people DO become Expats; the most common triggers that finally push waffling wanabees into making the crucial move

-Overcoming peer pressure on the home front; when your family in Cincinnati think you’re nuts for even contemplating leaving the good ole US of A. But once they actually come down for a visit, and see how you live, most have a sudden change of heart and can be quite jealous

-DYK that your Social Security or US Govt. disability checks can be directly deposited monthly into your Latin American bank account? There’s no need for actual check handling or mailing at all anymore! (Bet you never thought the US Govt. had the brains to do something smart like that- must have been a mistake)

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The Expat Files - 11/15/11

-When Gringos “go native”. What happens to that certain small percentage of Expats in Latin America who decide to abandon the most of their 1^st World baggage (and standards)? 

-The weird truth about the those 60’s style hippies and retro-hippie clusters you may encounter in some way out parts in Latin America  

-The somewhat annoying downside to the “Gringo advantage”, (i.e., that positive stereotype Latins hold that nearly all 1st Worlder’s are smart, savvy, wealthy and can do no wrong)    

-“Neither a Lender nor a Borrower Be” - Bennie Franklin or, how I got stung for $25000 by my own Costa Rican lawyer; the many, many reasons why you should never lend money to a Latin, no matter how good the interest rate seems or much collateral he offers!

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The Expat Files - 11/9/11

-More driving tips and road safety advice

-Tips and rules for driving cars through Latin country boarders

-Air bags and seat belts; your car may appear to have them but...

-When anal retentive Expats decide (or are forced) to “go native”  

-What happens when Expat artists try to make a living in Latin America

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